The 18-Month Crash: Is This Meant to Feel So Tough?
Updated: 17 hours ago
There’s a point in early motherhood that can feel particularly challenging. It’s a point that has felt especially hard for me, twice, and I don't think we talk about it enough.
I call it the 18-month crash — though it might happen sooner, later, or maybe not at all. Every experience of motherhood is so unique.
But here is how it might show up.
You feel like you've healed from the birth. You've survived the physical and emotional rollercoaster of the first year. You gradually have a little more ‘freedom’ and a little more sleep, but somehow, things seem to feel harder...
You might be exhausted in a way that feels deeper than ordinary tiredness. You might feel disconnected from yourself, your partner or your friends. You might not feel at home in your new body. You might be back at work, trying to balance everything, while simultaneously wondering where the person you were before this new chapter of your life has gone.
And perhaps the strangest part is that you don't quite understand why you feel this way.
After all, things are meant to be getting easier by now.
Aren't they?
When you finally realise how much of your world has shifted
For me, the first year with both of my children — though very different — felt exhilarating, particularly the second time around. I was living in a bubble of gratitude, love and cuddles.
But I'm aware that for other mums, it might feel more like one long period of adaptation — learning how to care for a baby while recovering physically and perhaps emotionally, navigating feeding, sleep, and the pressure of meeting all the developmental milestones, sometimes with none or very little support.
Then, somewhere around 18 months, however the first year has been for you, there can be a sense of re-grounding taking place.
Or, in my experience, it feels more like a bubble bursting.
A crash landing.
Your toddler has more independence. They can communicate more. Perhaps they're sleeping better. Maybe they're attending a childcare setting if you've returned to work.
And when there is finally a little more space to breathe, you may suddenly realise just how much of your world has shifted.
And with that can come feelings of loneliness. A deeper tiredness. Maybe feeling lost or disconnected. Not quite able to find the same sense of purpose, motivation or ‘drive’ that once came so naturally.
You might feel unmotivated at work, or even find yourself questioning your career and feeling an urge for something to change.
It's a little like coming out of a spaceship and landing back on earth, only to discover that the landscape has completely changed.
You don't have a map.
You're not quite sure how to navigate it.
You're not quite sure how to find Home...
The expectation that you should be “back to normal”
This is where 18 months can feel particularly difficult.
There can be an enormous pressure — from ourselves and sometimes from the world around us — to be "back to normal".
Back at work.
Back in our old clothes.
Back to exercising.
Back to having a social life.
Back to having energy.
Back to being the partner, friend and person we were before.
But what if there is no “back”?
You've been through an enormous transition.
Your responsibilities have changed. Your priorities have changed. Your relationships have changed. Your body has changed.
And, in many ways, you have changed too.
Expecting yourself to function exactly as you did before motherhood can leave very little room for the person you are becoming to blossom and thrive.
And what about your relationship?
Eighteen months of parenting can change a couple in ways you never anticipated.
Time alone together can become rare.
Conversations can revolve around logistics.
Who is doing nursery drop-off?
Who's cooking?
When did they last wake up?
Who gets to sleep in?
And somewhere underneath all of that, you might miss each other.
You can love your partner deeply and still feel disconnected from them.
You can be incredibly grateful for your family and still miss the relationship you had before becoming parents.
Two things can be true at the same time.
Time and kind communication are key to find each other again within this new landscape.
Your body is part of the story too
At 18 months, you may be wondering when your body will finally feel like yours again.
Perhaps you've been waiting for the right time to exercise. You've been told things will feel different once you're sleeping better, once you've stopped breastfeeding, once you've returned to work or once your child is older.
But there is no universal timeline.
Your body has carried, birthed and perhaps fed — or is still feeding — your baby.
It has been through an enormous amount.
Maybe the goal doesn't need to be getting your old body back.
Maybe it's about feeling at home in the body you have now.
Treating yourself with the same grace and kindness you’d offer another mother.
And asking yourself: are these expectations to look a certain way truly mine, or have they been shaped by others?
What can the 18-month crash actually look like?
It won't look the same for everyone.
You might notice:
Low mood or low energy
Feeling more emotional than usual
Anxiety or persistent worry
Guilt
Negative self-talk
Low confidence or self-esteem
Feeling disconnected or numb
Losing interest in things you used to enjoy
Anger and feeling more short-fused than usual.
Comfort eating or drinking
Spending more time scrolling or watching television
Feeling bored or restless
Struggling to sleep, even when you have the opportunity
Feeling as though you've lost touch with yourself
Struggling to connect with your partner
If these feelings are persistent, overwhelming or affecting your ability to function, it's important to ask for help. To talk about your experience. Whether that's with a friend, family member, partner, your GP or a perinatal mental health professional.
You don't have to wait until things become unbearable before reaching out.
So what do we actually need at 18 months?
Probably not another list of things we should be doing...
What you need is unique to you, but I believe it often comes back to four simple pillars:
Connection — with others.
Reconnection — with your body.
Kindness — towards yourself.
Space — to explore what you need and who you are becoming.
Reach out
Message the mum you met during maternity leave.
Text the friend you haven't spoken to in months.
Join a group, class or community where you might meet people who understand this particular stage of motherhood.
You don't need a huge circle.
Sometimes one honest conversation with another mother who says, “Me too,” can make an enormous difference.
Move your body gently and with intention
Movement doesn't have to be about getting your pre-baby body back.
Go for a walk.
Stretch.
Dance around the kitchen.
Or find whatever activity that makes you feel good.
Make space to meet and honour your new self
Your needs didn't disappear when you became a mother.
They may simply have been pushed very far down the list.
Perhaps you need more sleep.
More time outside.
More creativity.
More friendship.
More quiet.
More time alone.
More fun.
Making space for those things isn't selfish.
It might start with a short list written from bed.
Ask yourself:
If I was waking up tomorrow feeling more energised, confident and connected with myself, what would I do? And what might happen as a result?
Plan one small thing at a time and pay attention to those little shifts that happen as a result.
You don't need to solve everything at once.
Sometimes simply asking the question is a place to start.
Pay attention to the voice in your head
Notice how you speak to yourself.
Try replacing negative self-talk such as “I'm not doing enough” with “This is really hard, but I've got this.”
Replace “I should be coping better” with “I've been carrying a lot.”
Replace “I've lost myself” with “I'm still figuring out who I am now.”
You don't need to get yourself back
Perhaps that's the biggest thing to remember.
You aren't going backwards.
You're becoming someone new.
And with that can come both joy and grief.
Love and resentment.
Confidence and uncertainty.
Sometimes all at the same time..
So if you're 'feeling it', and finding yourself unexpectedly struggling, know that you're not alone.
Maybe you've simply reached a point where you can start to explore what this new landscape is about. What is means to thrive as a new version of yourself.
And perhaps 18 months — or whenever this shows up for you — isn't the point where you should have it all figured out.
Maybe that's when we just get started.
When we start to ask ourselves what we need, who we are becoming, and what might help us feel a little more at home in this new landscape.
So perhaps that's the real question then:
What do I need now?
Please get in touch if you would like to explore how I can support you through the transitions of motherhood.
